I had a dream last night about his last day. The day started as it did in reality, but he got transferred to Children's in the morning. Once we got there, he started playing and cooing and seemed to be fine. He was sitting up and moving around and even untangled all his cords by himself. And then he started to look and act sick. I got to hold him while he was still OK and we snuggled. Then I woke up.
In reality, I never held him that day. I'd fed him at midnight, then gone to bed. I didn't hold him when they woke me up at 6. I don't know why. I had those 3 hours with him before he coded, and I didn't hold him.
We've gotten so many cards and letters. Several of them have said things like, "for a brief while, a miracle was yours"...I realize that while I didn't get the miracle I'd hoped for in his healing, I did get a miracle. I got HIM, a beautiful and wonderful baby boy. I had never even dreamed of having a baby of my own, and God gave him to me. He changed me completely, my heart, my thoughts, and down to the core of who I am. I had a miracle. For a little while, I was blessed far beyond the reaches of my own desires.
I still wonder and question and hurt. I'm not exactly on speaking terms with God yet. I think I'll get there someday. We still have much to do around the house--piles I cannot bring myself to sort through, dirty laundry that still smells like him that I cannot bring myself to wash, and an entire room full of things that I don't know if I should keep, toss, or give away. For now I will just BE. God tells me to "be still and know that I am God," and so I'm trying to let that be enough.
Someone left a comment that there is an article in the Lathrop paper. I have not read it, but I will find it. I will see if I can post it on here.
One more thing. To all of you who have said you are here for us when we are ready: thank you. I don't know when that time will come, but it helps so much to know that we have so much support. We love you all dearly, and we are so very grateful.
posted by Carter Heckman @ 6:58 AM
12 comments
12 Comments:
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Sarah,
Ever since you made the post saying "I didn't get my miracle" I've been dwelling on that comment and thinking how you DID get a miracle. I've been debating whether to say actually say that to you or not--I didn't want to trivialize the situation or offend you or contradict your thoughts or try to make it sound like everything is great and okay while I know you are grieving. Because I know it wasn't the miracle that you wanted on that day...but Carter himself was a miracle. A miracle that you never even knew you wanted. A miracle that none of us who have known you for so long ever thought you would have. YOU, yourself, Sarah, are a miracle. You have fought through medical issues all of your life and overcame them all. Your life is a miracle, and Carter's life was a miracle. And I am so glad to see that you came to that realization on your own. I know things didn't turn out the way you wanted, but your whole life hasn't turned out the way you thought it would. And I'll bet you'd agree that it turned out better than you ever thought it could. I know we've had conversations about that...how despite how everything turned out, that you would do it all over again just for the chance to get to know Carter...even though it was for such a short time. That still doesn't make it seem fair, I know. But it's a perfect reminder to all of us that God does know what's best for us, and even though we think things should sometimes be differently, He does have a reason for unanswered prayers. Even though we don't understand how this could possibly be what is best for anyone, we do know that His plans are to "prosper and not harm" us and to give us "hope and a future".
Sarah,
My Aunt Janet was in a terrible car accident several years ago. She had fractures of her face, arms, and legs.
My family ended up deciding to take her off of life support.
After she passed I dreamed of her. In my dream she was walking and it was like she was showing me that she wasn't hurt anymore that her arms and legs were fine.
I havent thought of that dream for quite a while but your post reminded me of it. And I wonder if it just are sub conscience playing with us or is it God and our love one allowing us to see that they are alright and happy. I perfer the latter.
That dream made me feel better that maybe she was okay. I hope you continue to dream of him healthy.
Whitney
You guys continue to amaze me and I am sure many others that get on here faithfully. I admire how open you are with all of your feelings. I still check every day to see what is going on and how you are doing. Carter himself, WAS a miracle and it is going to take time for you to completely see that. No, he was not here with everyone long enough, but look at all he did in those 2 short months! He was an amazing little boy and Gary, people were drawn to him for many reasons...I believe that he was beautiful. I hope you continue to see how he touched so many and although you are going through this hard time right now, you will eventually see all he did. Sarah, I encourage you to stay on top of your dreams with the house, you need that and I know that is something that really inspires you by the way you were talking about it when I visited the hospital as well. I know that dreams CAN become reality and you obviously have plenty of supporters to help you with whatever you may need. Chin up Gary and Sarah... Your little miracle will be forever in your as well as many other's hearts...
i used to dream, after my baby was born and passed on, that i was still pregnant, birth was pending. all was right with the world. i would wake up to the painful knowledge, that in my world all was not right. there was always the constant knowledge, in her world, all things were perfect.
being a mother and experiencing unconditional love for another person, forever changed my perception of god and his love.
and my ability to love and accept others. living through unbearable pain gave me a sense of compassion, i doubt i would have had otherwise.
gary wonders what there was special about carter. i never met carter; i am sure he was special. he was certainly a beautiful baby.
i would offer that his special parents and their love for each other, him, and their faith affected his outreach considerably. his life and valiant example drew others to him. you were his hands, feet, and spokesmen. he was an ambassador for god and unity. one of the uplifting aspects of checking carter's page, in the midst of your tragedy is the love you project and the love poured out to you and yours. it shows people at their best and most loving, something we dont' witness much in today's world.
reading your posts has been like going back almost 30 years in time and reliving the most painful period in my life over again. hard in many ways, empowering in others. everyone is unique, your circumstances and pain are unique, regardless of similarities to another's situation. be kind to yourselves and each other. give yourself time. it will become clear how you are to proceed.
carter's legacy is tremendous and will live on. the seeds planted will produce fruit.
god grant you peace.
Sarah,
Your realization that Carter was your Miricle, is a hugh wonderful step forward in the right direction of your healing process. Way to Go! He was so beautiful and alert when I saw him and hold him at your baby shower at WPCC. He almost gave me the impression he had that peaceful alumnus glo God places around his special few.
Sarah, you continue to amaze me! Your faith, strength and love for God is still there. It speaks out through your written word, even though you are still hurting and healing from the lost of your sweet baby Carter. You are still being the same Sarah I have come to love and respect, the rock, in God's Ministry. Still finding the positives in the valleys of life. I loved reading your last blog, it sounds like you are healing. Keep it up, Sarah, you will get there and what a testimony you will have when all is said and done! I know how amazing you are and I love you for touching so many lives with your open thoughts on this website. I wish I had been able to do more of that when I was dealing with Candice's loss of abilities early on. It probably would have helped me more if I had. You are finding peace with your loss, and will become stronger from it.
Carter softened your heart in a way know one else could, and that is why you are hurting so badly, now.
We love you Sarah, and Kelsie and Chris really miss you! Come see us anytime! And Candice went to Carter's funeral with us, and felt so bad for you. She was so happy you had the pictures of him with you and Gary us in the back, because she hadn't gotten to see his beautiful little face. Those pictures deserve a place of honor in your home, when you are ready for them to be there. I am honored to have known and worked so closely with you at WPCC. I am feeling the need to give you a Big Hug! Hang in there, your peace will come. Remember: Phillipines 4:13, this saw both Candice and I through the toughest of times at St John's Mercey and Craig Hospital. Our doors are always open to both you and Gary.
sadah,
i just love you; and, when you are ready, i have a whole group of people (about 20 actually) who cannot wait to make a trip down to see you, take you out to lunch...because we miss you. i miss you. and we all love you so much.
Sarah,
I don't know you. I have never gone through anything like you have. All I can think of to say is I am so sorry. Sorry that you lost your little boy. How hard that must be. I could not imagine what you are going through. How long the nights and days must be. I admire you for sharing how you feel each day. You write your deepest feeling to your family and total strangers like me. I read your posts everyday thinking if I write something maybe she will feel a little better. With such a big loss I don't see how that could happen.
I want you to know that I will still be here. I may not write anything but I am still here reading everything you have to say.
I hope that somehow that makes you feel better.
SJ
Sarah,
Your story is breaking my heart. I'm a helpless bystander and it's a horrible feeling to bear.
It would seem that logic cannot be processed well during times like these. I for one, believe humans are meant to have compassion and what would we be without it? Your son gave you that in the fiercest of ways.
My son, whom I'm previledged to say is healthy and in college wrote a poem when he was in Junior High and I wish to share it with you. As I read your story in the Lathrop paper, I thought of his poem. Then I cried.
For Sarah, Gary and Carter,
I like to sing you lullabies
The kind that make you shut your eyes,
By now you should be sound asleep
A very precious moment to keep,
I kiss your check and say good night
Then I shut off your bedroom light,
In my mind these nights are filed
I love you
I cherish you
You are my child.
You will always have Carter. He will always be yours to cherish.
"In my mind these nights are filed" is the line that stands out. I know you will always remember those nights with Carter. I'm so glad you had those nights.
Sarah, I think of your mom and dad and their love for you and your sisters. I hurt for you all. But expecially Sarah, as a mom I hurt for you.
God Bless you all and may you find peace soon.
dr
Dear Sarah, Dear Gary -
My heart is breaking along with yours. We have been out of town, and you two and Carter were in my mind daily while we were away from our computer. When we returned home last nght, the first thing I did was turn on the computer to check on Carter. I sat in shock with tears running down my face as I read the sad news. All I can say to you right now is that we are SO VERY SORRY for your great loss. We want you to know that you are not alone. There are many of us who have lost our precious children, and we reach out to you with love and empathy now. We know that each parent's grief is unique, and yet we are bound together by the enormity of loss and the reality of love. We give thanks for your precious Carter, who will always be an important part of your family - what a gift he is to you and to many others. Please know that we care deeply, and that you are in our prayers daily.
From Lois, a friend of Grandma Cheryl
People were bringing little children to Jesus to have Him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, He was indignant. He said to them,"let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these"...And He took the children in His arms, put His hands on them and blessed them. Mark 10:13-16
Carter is at this moment in the arms of Jesus. We will continue to keep your family in our prayers.
Pastor Roger and Chrissy Neimes
New Castle Pennsylvania
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