Trying
I'm trying. Trying to get on with my life and enjoy the little moments in my day. Trying to walk past his room without shuddering. Trying to motivate myself to put away the bottles, pack up the clothes and the toys, and give away the diapers that we don't need now. I'm trying to see the good that came from my son's brief stay in our lives. I know there is some good--the probably hundreds of people that are now connected through this site, the love that he seemed to bring out in everyone, the hearts touched by his smile, the healing that has taken place in the hearts of other parents and families. So I'm trying.
We have received over a hundred cards from family, friends, and even strangers. Our funeral costs are covered, and we will even be able to pay off a good part of the medical bills thanks to the generosity shown us. We are amazed at the goodness and love that Carter's life and death has brought out in so many. Thank you.
Some have sent letters telling us that Carter's story renewed their faith. I am very honored by that. Some say he helped them heal from their own loss and pain. I'm glad for them. Some friends with whom we've lost touch have reunited with us. I find joy in these relationships.
And yet my heart hurts, I feel all alone, and worst of all, I cannot seem to make amends with God. I know He cares. I know that He gave us a miracle when He gave us Carter, if only for a little while. I know that He rescued Carter from the pain and suffering and took him to heaven. I can see these things, but I hurt. He could have healed my child.
We went to church yesterday. I went because I needed to, not because I wanted to. I couldn't sing the songs, and I couldn't take communion. I just couldn't. I believe, I really do. I haven't lost that, so I know my faith is still intact. I'm just sad. If you think of it, would you pray for me?
posted by Carter Heckman @ 7:28 AM
12 comments
12 Comments:
Sarah,
You don't know me, but I have been praying for you since I found this blog. You and your family have been in my prayers every day, many times throughout the day. I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time, and I know that those words bring no comfort to you. We know you are trying, and we all know that it is going to take time. My prayers for you will not stop. Try to take care of yourself. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. Maybe it helps knowing even strangers care for you.
Sarah,
You may not remember me-but I sold you and Gary your memberships at AEC Family Fitness. I attend Caring First and I've been praying for you guys through everything. I just want you to know that you are constantly in my prayers and many employees at AEC are also praying for you. I can't imagine what you're going through-but I just want you to know that we all care and are praying
Sarah,
You may not remember me-but I sold you and Gary your memberships at AEC Family Fitness. I attend Caring First and I've been praying for you guys through everything. I just want you to know that you are constantly in my prayers and many employees at AEC are also praying for you. I can't imagine what you're going through-but I just want you to know that we all care and are praying
Sarah and Gary,
I hope that everything is going ok and I pray for you everynight before I go to sleep. I was glad to see you two with a smile on your face at Target yesterday. Anytime that you want to talk my email is mom21_05@yahoo.com. Email me and I will write you back. I promise it does get easier to confide in GOD again I did and I lost my mother 13 days before my 8th birthday. Sometimes I do cry when I talk about her but it does get easier to talk about her and the way she passed my mom to was in and out of the hospital so I kinda know what you are going through, no it wasn't my child but it was my mother and she was all that I had so anytime that you need someone to talk to email me my heart goes out to the two of you. With lots of love and prayers
Rabecca H Smith Liberty Target.
Sarah,
Just because Carter is gone doesn't mean you have left our thoughts. You're still in my prayers, every single day. I love you both.
I wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you and Gary every single day. I love you both so much and God loves you more than all of us combined. I hope that you can find a glimmer of peace in knowing that there are hundreds of prayers said every day for you and God hears them all.
Love,
Bre Miller
Sarah,
I am praying for you right now! I pray for you and Gary everyday. You are in my thoughts throughout everyday all day long. Please continue to pray for Candice, too, if you have the time. She hasn't yet found her Mircle either, if God is sending her one, it is coming in slow motion. We are just getting by and taking it one day at a time. God Bless Both You and Gary as you find peace in the loss of your little Mircle Carter. We love and respect you dearly.
Sarah and Gary,
I just wanted to let you know that it is OK to feel whatever you are feeling whether that be anger or sadness or frustration any other emotion that comes along. If you didn't feel all those things you wouldn't be normal. God still loves you both and so do I.
-Heather Barker
be patient with yourselves. in time, you will know how to proceed. you will have the strength to sort through carter's room, you will know what to do with carter's things. it will become clear. don't try to see too far ahead....
it sounds like your faith is intact; the trust factor is damaged. mine was too, after i lost my baby. in time, it healed. just like any other relationship when you feel hurt or let down.
the trust must be restored. god didn't move from me, although i moved from him.
from a human perspective, there is no understanding......it is unfair. i trust, from god's omnicient perspective, it is.
over the years, i have often wondered if the pain eased, or if i developed calluses. either way, it reached a point of bearable. at that point, i felt guilty and disloyal, like i should still be mourning. mourning should be my maternal responsibility. in truth, i was still mourning, god healed me to the point the pain was bearable.
at some point, i realized that life didn't end because i wanted to quit. it went on all around me....i was raised that quitting isn't an option........
you are very much in my thoughts, daily. in my prayers. i pray god gives you perfect peace and strength for the day. be kind to yourselves and each other.
I say briefly: Best! Useful information. Good job guys.
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Your website has a useful information for beginners like me.
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