Happy Birthday

Today is Carter's birthday; he would turn two. Every once in awhile I see a little boy, and I think "Carter would have looked sort of like that." I wonder if he is celebrating up there, if someone has thrown him a great big party with balloons and cake and punch. I wonder if they know up there how lucky they are to have him. Today we will go to St. Joe. We will visit his grave and bring him presents. Then we will go to Gary's Dad's to be with family. We didn't want to throw some awkward birthday party, but we wanted to be with the people who we'd be with anyway today. So that's what we'll do.
I guess I will update you on our lives. Charlotte Jane was born Friday, October 19, 2007. She was 6 lbs, 12 oz and 19 inches long...a beautiful little girl. They gave us a big room just down from the NICU, so we had lots of Carter's nurses visit us, which was so very nice. She gave us a bit of a scare in her first few days, as she was quite jaundiced. Turns out she's perfectly healthy, and today, at 4 1/2 months, weighs nearly 15 lbs!! She has the best nature--she laughs and smiles and sleeps through the night. Sometimes she stares off up at the ceiling and smiles. I imagine she's watching her big brother make faces at her. Maybe he sings to her. Maybe I'm crazy, but it helps...
We are doing good these days, although the past week or two have seemed pretty hard for me. I now do a lot of driving, and I find myself thinking of him most of the time. You know, Charlotte is a perfect little girl, and we love her completely. But having her makes us realize just how special Carter was. She has this sweet, happy spirit. She is everything that a baby should be. But he was different. From the day he was born everyone said so. He had these eyes which seemed so deep and thoughtful. It was as if he knew something the rest of us did not. People said he looked so wise, and we called him our wise old man. I think he he was an old soul in just two and a half months. Things that take most of us a lifetime to learn, he accomplished within just 10 weeks. Looking at Charlotte's sparkling, innocent eyes, I can see the difference.
Thank you for thinking of our Carter today, for thinking of us.

New

Nearly six months have passed since we've posted anything. So much is happening in our lives, and Carter's story continues to touch hearts. We bought a small house in Liberty back in April, and Gary has spent many hours painting and adding personal touches to our new home.
As we mentioned months ago, we are expecting another baby. Charlotte Jane Heckman is slated to be born in just a few short weeks (scheduled for October 19 at KU). We've been decorating the nursery--lots of pink! As always, we get excellent care at KU, and so far everything has gone great. She seems perfectly healthy, and she doesn't appear to be a small baby--momma's been feeding her well already! It's hard to trust that everything will be fine, as we thought Carter was healthy at this point, too. We are nearly certain that it is a rare genetic problem that caused Carter's illness, but it is worse in boys than girls, so this is reassuring. Right now, we are looking forward to our new baby girl's arrival. Carter would have been an amazing big brother, and we would have had the perfect family. Some days the "would have beens" get the best of me...
There is also another baby in the family. Geoff (Gary's brother) and his wife, Emily, have a baby girl, born May 19th. It was perfect timing, coming just before the one year anniversary of Carter's passing. Kendall Paige brings us all so much to be thankful for--she's a beautiful little girl full of smiles and giggles. Sometimes she looks so much like Carter. We love her so much. She and Charlotte will be exactly five months apart and will get to grow up together.
We have started attending Liberty Christian Fellowship church. We've been going the past few months and really like it. I must admit that it is still hard to sing some of the lines of songs in worship, and some Sundays I have to force myself to go. Gary is such a strong man of God, and although I know he, too, struggles with the "whys", he clings to his faith and encourages me along the way.
Speaking of Gary, he is singing in a new group, Soul Harvest Quartet. He really enjoys it, and it has been a great outlet for him. I go along most of the time and enjoy watching him, and soon Charlotte will be right there, cheering for her Daddy, just as I know Carter is doing from Heaven.
We celebrated our five year anniversary last weekend. Our lives certainly have been different than what we ever could have imagined. Yet I'm so thankful to be married to such an amazing man.
Thank you for continuing to care about our family, and for loving our little boy. My heart still aches for him, and I still find myself clinging to each dream, each memory, each thought of my Carter. We've brought out several of his things for Charlotte to use when she arrives. One in particular is the Ladybug book. I look forward to reading it to Charlotte and telling her stories of her big brother. I realized this morning, as I watched my belly take new shapes with each little wriggle and squirm, that I love her. It was the most wonderful feeling. I know Carter would love her, too.

Carter would have turned one year old last Friday. It was a special day for Gary and me, as we spent some time at the cemetery in the morning (Carter was born at 9:43 a.m.), then took some time to be together in the afternoon. Friday night, our families came over to honor Carter. We had cake and punch, looked at photos, and watched the video of Carter. Although my heart longed to be laughing and celebrating as we watched our little boy open gifts and tear into his first cake, having our families with us and remembering our sweet Carter made the day complete.
This is, of course, not how I would have liked to spend the day, or the last 10 months. I miss him terribly, and the ache in my soul is still present and strong. There are moments when I realize that I've not cried in days, and I think to myself I might be starting to heal. Then there are moments when my sobs return uncontrollably. Sometimes I almost think I can feel his soft cheek or hear his gentle coos. Some nights I cradle the air in my arms and imagine my Carter nestled peacefully instead. But Friday was not one of those days, and the reason was simple.
God is amazing. Even after months of my cold shoulder, he is still reaching out through the love of others to make his presence known to me. God, knowing how much we would need him on Carter's birthday, sent a vision to an earthly angel. Kathy Parker, a member of the Liberty First Christian Church, decided to hold a 24 hour prayer vigil for our family from midnight-midnight on March 9. Friends and church members, many of whom I do not know, signed up for 30 minute time slots to pray for peace and comfort on a day that could otherwise have been filled with grief and sadness. So, to Kathy and her husband, Keith, and to the nearly 50 other friends and strangers who lifted up faithful prayers for us, THANK YOU. From the bottom of our hearts--we felt the peace and loving arms of our Father holding us up on that day. We know, too, that many others thought of us that day. God has certainly surrounded us with love and support.
p.s.--please continue to check Landon's site, www.caringbridge.org/visit/landondody and pray for him and his family. He has taken a bad turn, and although the words written by his parents sound so very familiar, we must all pray for his healing. Thanks!
p.p.s.--We recently learned that we are once again expecting!! Carter will be a big brother sometime around the end of October! This is both exciting and terrifying, as we know there could be genetic complications. Please pray for a healthy baby and a healthy pregnancy. My heart seems to be struggling a bit, and I've already been in the hospital once. My doctors are the best, though, and we are believing that all will be well.

It's been nearly a year since Carter's birth, and so many of you still look here with love and care for our family. From the bottom of our hearts, THANK YOU. But now, we ask for your help once again. There is a family in need of prayers. Last January, Blythe and Aron Daly lost a child, a baby boy, born still. His name was Lawson. God has given them another baby boy, born with some problems. His name is Landon. They are keeping a blog, and we would like to pass it along to you. Please visit it and read their story and see pictures of adorable Landon. And then pass it along to everyone you know.
www.caringbridge.org/visit/landondody
P.S. We are doing alright. I know you are wondering, and waiting for some news. Are hearts are broken and we don't know how to fix them, but we are slowly learning to deal with our reality. We cling to each other, and we try to stay fixed on the hope that God promises us--1) we will one day be reunited with our Carter for all of eternity and 2) He still has good things in store for us. Thank you again for being a part of Carter's story.

Beautiful

Our beautiful baby boy.

Bracelets

Hey everyone we just received 100 bracelets. So we will get with those of you that have requested one and if anyone else is interested, just let us know. Once again, any donations for the bracelets will go to Ian's liver transplant fund. Read the blog below for more information. Thank you all.

Ian's Story

Through surfing the internet, I discovered a boy named Ian Herbst. He is about a year and a half old and was diagnosed with biliary atresia. As most of you know, that is the disease Carter was diagnosed with. Doctors have recommended a liver transplant to save his life. As Sarah and I have found, this is a very expensive procedure. It is estimated at $100,000. They are very close to their goal with the help of many wonderfully generous people. We contacted the person in charge of his fundraising campaign with an idea. A couple of months ago, we had bracelets made with Carter's name on them so we might have a constant reminder of our beloved son. We also gave them to our family and in the process some friends have requested them. We are going to make these available to anyone who wants one. If you would like to make a donation for the bracelet, all of the money will go to help Ian get his transplant. This is a great way to celebrate Carter's life and in the process, give to another to preserve a precious life. As you know, there are many internet scams out there and one has to be careful. I encourage you to go the site yourself to read Ian's story and investigate it if you are unsure. www.ianfund.com If you find yourself inclined to help, you can let us know through posting comments, e-mailing us, or calling. Below is a picture of the bracelet.