34
Well today was my 34th birthday. It went fast but it was nice. Several of my family and friends came by to celebrate with me this evening. I grilled hamburgers and hot dogs and Sarah made a delicious German chocolate cake.
I thought about Carter a lot tonight as I sat back and observed conversation. It seems I am missing him more and more as the days go by. You see, he was our future and what I was looking forward to. And now with that gone I seem to be lost in what to do next. I start back to work next Monday and life will be back to somewhat normal.
I don't do well with sharing how I feel about this but felt compelled to write tonight. Next Sunday is Father's Day. I do pretty well with seeing babies and even admiring them. I don't know how I will feel on Father's day. I keep telling myself that Carter was an unexpected gift so I shouldn't feel like I was somehow cheated. But I think that sometimes I just put on the "we were just blessed to have had him for 2 months" face without allowing myself to be upset. I forget, sometimes, how precious he was. I look at his pictures and it seems like it wasn't real. I really tried to make each moment I had with him last. I remember holding him in the middle of the night at home telling myself, "just hold on to right now". But it's not sticking in my mind like I had hoped. I do miss him. He was MY son. And that's something that was and still is hard for me to grasp. Something this wonderful was mine. This probably doesn't make any sense to anyone else. Anyway, I just had to get this out tonight and I'm glad I did. It helps when I'm honest with myself about how I feel.
posted by Carter Heckman @ 9:13 PM
7 comments
7 Comments:
Gary,
I just wanted to say that we still pray for you every day. You are entitled to all of the feelings you are having. Everything you said makes sense. I can't help but feel that you and Sarah were cheated of so much too. But on this coming Father's Day, rest assured that for the time that Carter was here, you were an awesome FATHER!
PS--I forgot to mention that the German chocolate cake was delicious, Sarah! Happy Birthday, Gary.
THW THINGS YOU ARE FEELING ARE VERY NATURAL. IN OUR GRIEF WE HOLD TIGHT TO ALL OUR MEMORIES. THEN IT STARTS TO FEEL LIKE WE ARE GRIPPING A HAND FILLED WITH SAND. THE HARDER WE HOLD ON TO THE MEMORIES THE MORE SLIPS FROM BETWEEN OUR FINGERS.
GOING BACK TO WORK AND A DAILY ROUTINE WILL HELP A LOT. IT IS HARD TO GET ON WITH OUR EVERYDAY LIVES WHEN OUR LIVES HAVE BEEN TURNED INSIDE OUT. LEAN ON YOUR FAITH AND THOSE AROUND YOU FOR THE STRENGTH YOU NEED.
FATHER'S DAY WILL BE DIFFICULT. JUST BE OPEN TO ALL YOUR FEELINGS AND LET THEM COME AS THEY WILL. YOU WERE A WONDERFUL FATHER TO CARTER. I COULD SEE IT IN YOUR EYES AND FACE BEFORE HIS BIRTH. YOU WERE A WONDERFUL FATHER.
GOD BE WTIH YOU BOTH AS YOU MAKE THIS TRIP THROUGH THE VALLEY.
WILMA
Gary,
You will always be Carter's father - nothing can take that away from you. You and Sarah brought to life a gift from God - a precious person who will always be with you and always a part of your family. You will feel Carter's presence and his love always - I promise.
Thank you both for sharing your feelings with the rest of us. We are all surrounding you with love.
Birthday Blessings,
Lois (Cheryl's friend)
happy birthday
love,
- kelsey
This is so simple that I am embarrassed to think I have not sent a message before this. Belated, but loving birthday wishes to you, Gary. Prayers surround you from everywhere still and will go on and on. The preciously honest feelings are one of God's way to bring you closer, and in turn, each of us feel closer to you and Sarah. Carter is yours to hold in your hearts forever and you will feel his presence always. You were and still are, the best father possible, Gary. God blessed you and Sarah with such gifts of love. Share all you have with each other and those God brings near to you. So many hugs from here.
The message above is from Charlene and John We're new at this, but we have read each and every word sent.
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