Passing Time

Carter has now been gone for three months. It hardly seems possible. Gary and I are getting by. We got a new mattress so we'd hopefully finally get some sleep, but so far it's not working. We both manage through our days. We find happiness in small things, but we still feel the emptiness in our hearts.
Carter's room is closed. We haven't been in there in a long time. There's this candle that Aunt Annetta gave Carter that smells like baby powder, and every now and then I get a whiff of it as I pass by. It rips my soul apart; they say scent is the most powerful memory sense.
I went to KU the other day to visit. I got to see Kim and Amanda. That was just what I needed. I love you girls dearly; you do so much good. I also got to see Sheldon, the famous doorman--Sheldon, you DO make a difference around that place. I got to see Mary and Cynthia, who are kind and caring like always. I also got to see Amanda, who was my nurse the morning Carter was born. She'd come in the NICU to visit us every few days.
I got to visit with Dr. Raghuveer, our angel. (Dr. Raghu, if you read this, know I am eternally grateful for all you've done for Carter and us.) He was the one who noticed a problem and diligently fought for him. He was the one who "appeared" that last day. And then, when I came to visit last week, I got to sit down with him for quite awhile. He wanted me to tell Carter's story to an intern. I was amazed that he remembered all the details of his story and cared so much. But I shouldn't be surprised, everyone we encountered there truly loved Carter and did all they could for him.
After that, I went over to the OBGYN office to say hello to all the people who cared for me while I was pregnant. They hadn't heard about Carter. Sharon, Theresa, and Dr. Myers were so kind. Dr. Myers reassured me that Carter's problems were not the result of something I did wrong during my pregnancy. In my mind, I know he's right. But in my heart I will always wonder.
It was just so good to be there. I feel so connected to Carter there, as strange as that sounds. One night, a few weeks ago, I found myself driving over there. I drove to the top of the parking garage and sat for the longest time just looking up at the NICU windows. I know being there doesn't bring him back, but it comes closer than anything else I've found. I just miss him so much. Everyone says our lives will go on. Time passes, but I can hardly call it life.
Thank you for continuing to check our page. Your love and support have carried us through these past months. I cannot tell you when we will post again. We will continue to post pictures of our beautiful boy from time to time. Tell his story. Tell others about the sweet little baby whose infectious smile and big brown eyes touched hearts across the nation.

I rediscovered this picture a couple of weeks ago and fell in love with it. We have it on our desktop at home and it's on my desk at work.
It captures the sweet face of Carter in peaceful sleep.